Monday, June 30, 2014

The beard

So, the last story I posted about not being able to get into the door to get to the date I was has more to it.

Again, lets set the stage. I'm the idiot who can't find the door, he's the guy responding with "lol" (I fucking hate the term 'lol' by the way. Why? Because people like to text it to you in a sentence instead of a period. 'How are you?" "good lol" Are you laughing that you're good or are you laughing because I asked??)

I get there, and see him come in, immediately think "Heck ya. He's cute." Nice big white smile, maybe a bit loud, kind of over dressed for meeting at a pub, but hey. Nice smile. That and he's very tall, and very bearded. We laugh a bit over drinks, and by drinks I mean pop, because he doesn't drink, but I'm okay with that.

He asks if I want to hear him play guitar or maybe go catch a movie, being ever the ginger I opt for both. So first he serenades me in a park (He was actually good), then we go make out in his mini van and miss the movie. We eventually got wings and then went to bed.

We text a lot after that stuff happened, and I admit, I think I may have been a bit lonley because I was into him, and there were several reasons that he wasn't really the guy for me.

1.)  He was SO SO SO LOUD.
What? Loud's not bad you say? I'm a fairly quiet person. I enjoy debates which revolve around disputing the other's point and not shouting over them. He did not. Also, it hurt my ears sometimes.

2.) He was very opinionated.
Some people are ok with having their clothes critiqued. I am not one of those people. Putting pants on is enough of a struggle without having to worry if they match my bra..or however people match that shit. Also, who says "I thought it was weird you wore a blazer"? It was a cotton blazer, and it goes with jeans fuckface.

3.) He was a little too upfront.
Hint for the men: If you're not well endowed, don't be bragging that up. It's weird. Men are the one's with penis size obsession, women look at the giant penises of the porn world and go "NO ENTRY. WHAT IS THAT, AN ARM?". Know how to work with what you got.

4.) He was touchy feely.
There's a joke with my friends about me in that "I don't like to be touched" except it's not a joke. Don't touch me. Unless we're at home, then paw away. But walking in the mall and he's getting all grabby, or having to constantly push his hands out of my shirt. No, stop it. Some people like PDA, I don't happen to be one of those people.

And finally...oh dear Jesus, that beard.

As lovely as the beard was to peer upon, one day I noticed something about it. It was subtle at first, like the first smell of a gas leak. "What is that?" you ask yourself. sniff again. Nope, nothing.

but then the next time I'd see him, there was that smell again. Like someone left old cheese in their sock and then wore 70 year old sneakers in 100 degree weather. It was honestly the worst, knowing he was going to come in for a kiss and it was going to take all I could do to not gag.

I'm not sure why it got continually worse. Maybe my senses had picked it up and couldn't let it go? Maybe his beard just smelt like old fucking cheese. Either way, trying to sexily make him wash it actually made the smell worse.

At the end of the day though, I didn't feel so bad about breaking it off with him. Besides the terrible smell, and the loud, and the rest of it, he was kind of an ass. I guess that's what happens when you're all alone in a new end up dating cheese beardo because you get a little desperate.

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